Autism and Expectations

My son is autistic.  He also has a receptive and expressive speech disorder and sensory processing disorder.  This means he has some challenges with social situations, motor development, coordination, communication, understanding, and certain environments (depending on lighting, weather, noise, movement, etc.).  While this sounds like a lot to deal with, and it is for him, it's our normal.  I forget; I don't view him through the lens of any diagnosis unless something requires me to, because it's just not on my radar.  He's just Little G, blue-haired superhero, cat lover, math whiz.  But sometimes, I am reminded.

Reezle, who also has a diagnosis on the autism spectrum, struggled a lot with learning how to pedal a bicycle.  She outgrew her tricycle before ever learning how to pedal it, and we finally bought her a scooter so she could enjoy a ride-on toy until she mastered the art of pedaling.  Though they are two years apart in age, Little G was pedaling like a pro before his sister really got it.  I assumed that riding a bike would always come fairly easy to him.  A big mistake when you're parenting an autistic child is to make assumptions about anything.

By age 7, I was riding a bike with tons of confidence.  This year, I decided, my son was going to learn to ride without training wheels.  I wanted him to have that same confidence, the fun of bike riding that only two wheels can provide.  We could ride on trails, then, I told him.  He liked that idea.  When he got his new green bike, because he finally, just barely outgrew his toddler-size one recently, I told him that I would teach him to ride it without training wheels.  He was stoked.  He was ready.  He was going to do this!

Little G on his new big boy bike

Or, you know, not so much.  I held the back of the bike as we rode around the driveway, becoming quickly aware of the fact that he had absolutely no ability to balance without my assistance.  He's tiny, but that little bike is quite heavy, and it became impossible for me to keep holding him up.  So, on the training wheels went, and we removed the pedals from the previous bike so he can learn to balance.  Little G has decided that he doesn't want to try riding without training wheels until next year.  Fair enough, this is his journey.

I had high expectations because of my own age when I learned to ride a bike without training wheels (I was 6).  Additionally, I recently watched a video of a friend's son, who is days older than Little G, riding like a pro around a bike track without any training wheels.  I immediately thought, hey, this is definitely something 7 year-olds can do, so maybe I'm slacking on the teaching or encouragement here.  But then I remind myself that Little G is not a typical 7 year-old, and it's not a fair comparison.

Little G has his strengths.  He is exceptionally bright, and a very fast, strong runner.  Socially and emotionally he is very young.  That is a point for me to remember as well; he is not the size of a child his age, nor is he socially like children his age.  It's just hard to remember, when I have a 7 year-old doing 4th grade workbooks and speaking with an impressive vocabulary, that he has any limitations.

My outdoor artist

I will keep encouraging him to pursue his talents, and to practice patience where he struggles.  Whether he rides his bike without training wheels doesn't seem to matter much to him, so I need to manage my own expectations.  I never want to underestimate him, but I also don't want to put unreasonable expectations upon him.  But speaking of expectations...

Harvesting some zucchini and tomatoes

Little G has been picking and eating vegetables that he planted in the spring.  "They really grew into food!" he says, every time we go out there.  He says he will be planting even more next year.  He is definitely great at gardening, so I will make sure he has all the room he wants and needs to garden to his heart's content.

In Which I Get Depressing

My kiddos have been using some of their free time to watch older television shows on Netflix.  I love this option, even if it's Spongebob, because they're not being mentally flooded with a bunch of lies and deceit (i.e. "Whether it's corn sugar or cane sugar, your body can't tell the difference!" - The Corn Refiners Assoc.) or McDonald's telling them that joy if a gift you can find in a Happy Meal box.  But it turns out they may be getting something unintended from their viewing indulgences.

Reezle commented the other day about how someone learned a lesson of some kind in each episode of Dinosaurs.  "Earl learned that his family was more important than TV," she said.  And while this should be common sense, it is far from the message kids are receiving today - to the point it really stood out for my daughter.  The lesson learned in earlier family television shows were part of the feel-good aspect of those that I grew up with.  Sure, real problems don't work themselves out in 30 minutes and conclude with the entire family collectively vomiting glitter and sunshine (a common criticism of family sitcoms back in the day), but somehow it did provide a sense that hope was not misplaced and eventually things would work out.

These days we have a bit too much "reality" on television.  I realize people tune in largely for the shock value and out of morbid curiosity; after all, it's often like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  But it seems this is not a sideshow or a fleeting glimpse into the lives we all should be glad we're not living; it has become acceptable, even admirable, to live for oneself and flaunt abuses of excess and material possessions as if these things could somehow ever compensate for what these individuals lack in substance and character.  From the Bachelor to Housewives, I wonder endlessly why anyone cares about the smallest details of a person's dating life or how spoiled, entitled women spend their husbands' fortunes to the point of bankruptcy.  I'd like there to be a reality show about the benefits of making good financial decisions, saving money, and preparing to put your kids through college.

Children's shows have eroded into nothing more than screaming, whining stupidity, completely devoid of any value whatsoever.  What happened to shows that had a moral to their stories?  Where are the shows emphasizing the importance of family and friends, regardless of what form those come in?  They're relics of the past, apparently, replaced by a world that is obsessed to the point of isolation with creating virtual existences behind the screens of laptops, cell phones, game consoles, and other electronic devices.  Even when we do interact with others, it's through some device much more often than not.

Our whole existence is fake.  Our lives are on a screen, our images are filtered and Photoshopped, our language is abbreviated, we eat food-like substances instead of actual food, and kids today want to grow up and get their own reality TV show instead of being a doctor, firefighter, or astronaut.  How can we stress the importance of not engaging in stupid behavior when talentless celebrities are made famous for doing exactly what we're warning against?  What happened to wanting a good future, an interesting career, and a family?  When I was growing up, having money meant you wanted financial security.  Now it means you feel entitled to more in that paycheck because your husband's salary, which should be sufficient for a family of 6 to live comfortably in a reasonably-sized home with a couple of reasonable family cars, isn't enough to pay for the Escalade and a $500,000 house you feel you damn well deserve because, hey, everyone else is doing it and being harassed by these creditors isn't any fun!

What has happened to our society?  It's like human beings are no longer evolving; we reached a point where our technology far surpasses our intellect and ability to use it appropriately, and now we're circling the drain.

Special Needs Kids

From a blog called Bringing The Sunshine, I felt compelled to share the following quote:

"When you’re a mom of a kid with special needs, people tend to put you on a pedestal. They admire you from afar and say things like, “God only gives special children to special people,” while simultaneously thanking their lucky stars that they aren’t you, because they “couldn’t handle it.” We aren’t worthy of the pedestal, and we handle it not because we’re strong, but because it’s the hand we’ve been dealt."

I had an almost identical conversation with my grandmother last week, and several times previous since deciding to homeschool my children.  Others have said similar things to me about how "amazing" it is that I "am able" to handle raising, let alone teaching, a child with autism and a speech disorder.  The universe must have chosen me for this, because surely there was no other parent that could handle this exact child.

I don't believe any of that.  We rise to the occasion as parents.  There are a lot of families out there raising children with various special needs, from autism to down syndrome, premature birth to traumatic brain injuries, and even gifted children who present their own surprising challenges.  We don't belong on pedestals, and we don't want to be on them.  We're not any different from you, we just do things based on the unique needs of our unique families, which is really no different than what anyone else does.  We don't need to be told how difficult our lives are, because most of us believe that the rewards are equal to the extra effort; and while understanding is the message most people intend to convey, it often comes across as pity.  With the exception of a rough day here or there, we don't feel sorry for ourselves.  Now, I realize there are exceptions to this rule, but the majority of special needs parents I've spoken to share similar viewpoints on this.

Sure, raising a child with special needs can be challenging, but raising any child is challenging at times!

Rules

As I was wandering around the internet this afternoon, I came across a discussion going on about wearing socks in McDonald's Playplace. A blogger by the name of Kerrie was apparently going all "Mama Bear" on some McDonald's employees over a policy which states that children using the Playplace must wear socks. She muses, "Look, I get that a policy is a policy. I’m just saying it’s stupid. I’m also saying that a lot of policies are stupid and should be challenged. No breastfeeding in certain restaurants, anyone?!"

As someone who very much supports breastfeeding, I just don't understand how anyone can put these two issues in the same category, or even the same area code. Babies need to eat. Breastfeeding is not a public health hazard. By contrast, children do not need to play in Playplace at all, much less barefoot. And barefoot children are a risk. What this blogger fails to realize in her Mama Bear, screw-the-man rant is that this policy protects her children as much as anyone else's. Bare feet are far more likely to be injured on play equipment than bare hands, and America is also an extremely litigious country. While socks don't offer a whole lot of protection, they certainly offer some. Further, even if the rule is "stupid", as she so eloquently put it, it's McDonald's Playplace, for Pete's sake. No one is forcing parents to take their children there, and McDonald's will happily welcome anyone who doesn't care to follow their rules (which are required by the health department) to locate the nearest exit and use it.

Such was the case when, also according to Kerrie's blog, a group of moms went into the Playplace barefoot to prove some point (that they have nothing better to do?) and refused to leave when management asked them to. Kerrie posted a very indignant, "...so the MANAGER CALLED THE POLICE. The police came and KICKED OUT THE MOMS AND KIDS!!!" Um, what would you expect when you blatantly walk into a place and defy the rules? And what is that teaching your children when you ignore the rules, regardless of why they are in place, and mouth off disrespectfully to people who are just trying to keep the peace and do their jobs? What that whole display comes down to is shooting the messenger; the McDonald's franchises don't make those rules, and the weakly-paid targets of this asinine sock harassment certainly don't. Perhaps she expected him to say, "Oh, well, ma'am, you're absolutely right. It is a ridiculous rule. Go ahead and let your children violate health department policy, because allowing them to play in the Playplace barefoot definitely trumps the possibility of fines or even being shut down for non-compliance with state health regulations."

I have a humble suggestion for those who feel the need to take up a cause to go all Mama Bear about it; how about tackling the bullying issue? Advocating for human rights in some way or another? And I mean real rights, like for people with autism or Down Syndrome? How about fighting for marriage equality? Better rights for homeschooling families? There are so many good causes out there to get passionate about. Making an issue out of something as banal as socks in McDonald's Playplace does nothing but create a stereotype about groups of moms hen-pecking about things that don't really matter so that you won't be taken seriously when something actually does.

(Note: While I disagree with this blogger on this particular issue, I can't say she seems like a bad person. In fact, it seems we have some things in common, like homeschooling and attachment parenting! And her blog is cute. I believe issues can be debated without hating each other, so that's my message for the day - don't hate :)

A Disturbing Trend

Back in April, an Ohio mother made headlines when she publicly humiliated her daughter on Facebook, supposedly because the girl had been disrespectful. More recently, another mom decided to humiliate her own daughter in a similar manner. I fear a trend is starting here.

With suicide being a leading cause of death among young people and at least half of those being attributed to bullying, I don't think parents need to give bullies any fodder by participating in the public humiliation of their own children. There are better ways to parent. I also think that children should be talked to in depth about what it means to participate in social media, with the mantra "don't put anything online that you are not okay with everyone in the entire world seeing", before children are ever allowed to create an online account. My children are only 6 and 8, but this is a conversation we've already been having for a while. I want to make sure that they are very aware of the huge responsibility that comes with participating in social media.

Children make mistakes. This is a very normal part of growing up. These mistakes should be teachable moments when they happen, not opportunities to break a child's spirit. Humiliation might seem like a great deterrent, but the only thing this teaches is shame and fear. Any apparent positive results from this are based in fear, not self-respect or a true desire to make good choices. Humiliation is not loving parenting, and it is not necessary.


Parenting and raising children is not about scaring, beating, shaming, and humiliating children into submission - or at least it shouldn't be. Compassion, respect, and keeping an open dialogue going about issues which are important will yield results that everyone can appreciate. Children of parents who have humiliated and shamed them about any issue are unlikely to come to their parents when other issues arise, whether related or not, particularly if they already feel any embarrassment about the new topic. Building their self-esteem in health ways, not tearing it down because they've made a mistake, is a way to ensure that the good choices children make will be more as a result of their own self-respect and a healthy (not fearful) desire to please their family.

Parental bullying is emotional abuse. We do not get adults to do what we want by terrifying them into submission, so why should we do this to our children who depend on us for their validation, love, security, comfort, and the building blocks of their self-esteem? An honest, ongoing dialogue about important issues between parents and their children are the best way to deal with these issues before they become issues. Being a parent isn't easy. Being a dictator is, because it requires no effort to bully someone over whom you have complete physical and legal control. But hammering a child into submission by way of shame and fear is not parenting.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln